The Secretary of State is Not Your Nagging Mother

It is amazing. You are alive. Years of blundering through life, from tricycle to BMW, ignorance to awareness, you made it.

Conscientious people think about these things sometimes. They take a mental roll of all the stupid things they have done in their lives and come to the realization “it is a fucking miracle that I am here right now.”

How did it happen?

Best bet? It probably has a lot to do with your mother.

Remember your mother. Remember the times you called just to chat, talk to your mother, ask her advice. What should I do about my girl friend? Am I crazy, or is she? Remember asking your mother how long you could not pay the cable bill until they shut it off. Remember asking her what course you should take and (despite being your “own person”) end up taking that course.

Now remember the Secretary of State. Remember when she advised you to bomb Iraq when the scandals were touching a little too close to home. Remember when she called you from Putin’s office in Russia and got you to take your finger off the button. Remember, just this past year, when she told every one who would listen that you were not qualified for your job.

Wait.

What is that? Remember the Secretary of State? She?

Three out of the last four Secretaries of State have been women. Strong willed, high character women. Women who must have been frightening mothers.

By definition, a Secretary of State serves the President. Just like a mother does a service to her child by raising it and teaching right from wrong.

Bill Clinton had the first, Madeleine Albright, the tough old curmudgeon. She reminds me of a favorite aunt, the one you would not mind seeing on occasion, yet you pitied your cousins for having her as their mother. The one with the hunched back, the longer cigarette with plastic holder, the extra dirty martini and the cane to smack you when you got out of line.
Yet, she was a loving mother and aunt. She was sharp as a cleaver, she kept you in line, pointed you in the right direction, chastised you when you were insolent. You thanked her for it. You respected her as much as you feared her.

Clinton made a cameo on Family Guy not long ago and revealed the wild and crazy side that can only be Bill. . . “Hey, you know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddling Madeleine Albright gave it to me.”

Oxymoron?

Or just moron?

Then came Condi. Like Albright before her, brought into office in the second term of a president, in this case George Junior.

Condoleezza Rice seemed like she could have had a kind streak. Maybe. Yet, she also seems like one of those tough-as-all-hell African-American mothers who would bludgeon you from across the house to get off your lazy ass. Stop playing with your damned Play Station and do something.

Condi was what George Junior needed. Tough minded, smart (smarter than him, at least) and willing to work. She could take you to task as if you were an idiot or insolent and bully you into cooperating when you did not agree. What a perfect weapon to unleash on the world (and long overdue); The American Angry Black Woman. Junior, if you did something right your entire presidency, this may have been it.

Now comes Hillary. Confirmed by a margin of 94-2, she is President Obama’s blood hound. Mrs. Clinton follows the “Feared and Respected Elder” and the “Angry and Astute Black Woman” with her own special blend, power suits and all. We shall call her the “Classic New American Woman Power Broker Who Will Eat Your Soul.”

Admit it. Hillary scares you a little bit, doesn’t she?

Clinton is the last lady I would I would want to see as the Secretary of State if I was a foreign leader. Maybe the last person in general, except for the return of Henry Kissinger (I still might give Clinton the edge though). Smart, tough, crafty, devious even. She would wear a diplomatic smile as she signed your death warrant and present it to you with firm handshake and pat on the back.

It makes sense that the Secretary of State position should be now and forever dominated by woman. What better way to get world leaders to listen than to send over somebody who reminds them of their mothers, someone they cannot help but admire and respect, yet have a general, healthy fear for?

Now, remember recent history. Under which Secretaries of State did the two Iraq wars start?

Hint: They were not women.

Our presidents needed these women. Each president childlike and inexperienced in their own way, these women kept them accountable. They needed these women to keep them in line, needed them to fulfill their agendas, needed them to placate the rest of the world in a way that only a woman can do. Yet, they are not so much nagging mothers and caretakers as they are daggers that the presidents can throw. Sharp tools in the Cabinet.

World leaders, I warn you now. Watch out for our newest Secretary of State. Hillary will cut you, cut you deep if you do not fall into line.

Yet do not expect her to kiss your boo-boo, cotton swab it with hydrogen peroxide and make it all better with a band-aid.

Really, she is not that kind of Mom.

Yes We Can ... Can We?

President Elect Barack Obama Addresses Some Loyal Followers after the election. We catch him in the middle of his speech.

Now, tell me, have I ever led you astray? What can I do to make sure that not only will you like me, but follow every word that I ever say for the rest of my life and love me so unconditionally that it hurts just to think about. Like a new puppy, just like the one I am getting for Michelle and the Kids when we get to our new house. I hear it is pretty neat, by the way. Is that something you could do for me?

“Yes We Can.”

I know this might be a lot to ask, but could you give me a little time to figure out this whole economic mess. Those effing (Michelle does not allow me to swear or I have to put a $100 bill from our campaign donations into a jar marked “New Shoes. I don’t get it. Oh well,) bankers on Wall Street have been piddling around too goddamned (wups. . . there is one for the jar) long for me to swoop in and really roll some heads. I mean, I can’t even find the office for the Lehman Brothers anymore. (What? What do you mean the Lehman Brothers. . . oh. Okay.) I promise you that my staff and I will put in our due diligence to make sure you fine folks on Main Street can stay in your homes and be able to afford some nice amenities like this cool iPod Touch I just bought so I can keep up all my favorite downloads on iTunes. Could you find it within yourselves the patience and strength to endure this crisis we face?

“Yes We Can.”

I know we have a war going on. I also must thank you once again for not believing your neighbor on Main Street who told you I was a no-good dirty little terrorist. I mean, my name is Obama, not Osama. Hussein? Just a coincidence, I assure you. Also, Bill Ayers is really a pretty neat guy when you get to know him. Anyway, I respect what you and your kin in our esteemed Armed Forces are doing for our country. Extending American Imperialism into the Middle East would not have been such a rousing success without you. All branches of the American government extend a hand in thanks. That being said, my predecessor may have taken things a bit too far. I would love to say that he had all of our best intentions in his heart, but, well, really. Have you been paying attention the last eight years? That is why I am here now, to provide a message of hope and battle the military industrial complex to make sure that all of your hard earned tax dollars do not end up in the pocket of some weapons manufacturer who has been promising the same jet for the last seven years. (Though, I hear that is also pretty neat too.) Can you follow me, my American brethren, as I lead us into a new world order where people once again respect the values and determination of the American People and of the United States of America? What say you?

“Yes We Can.”

And while you are at it, get a couple people together and get me a ham sandwich. Don’t be afraid, I have a better metabolism than Mama

 Cass. Can you do that for me?

“Yes We Can.”

I know that my opponent John and some of his cohorts said some pretty bad things about me. I do not need to repeat them here, in polite company.  Though, I have to say, it really hurts when he said, time after time after time, that I do not have the experience to be an effective leader in the highest office in the world. I mean, I am a natural born leader. As a community organizer I got things done and helped the people around me. As a member of the United States Senate I have done lots of great things within the realm of the Democratic Party and, well, at least we tried to get things done. Really though, just take a look at my campaign? Is there anybody else in the world that could have subjugated (ahem … recruited) an entire generation of America’s youth to panhandle on the streets of this great country for my great effort? If that is not experience in leadership, I don’t know what is.

John and Sarah really had a great campaign. It is not really John’s fault that he could not mobilize the type of support I did. John is a cool guy but the supporters in his age demographic cannot really get out there and hit the streets like my kids could. It is hard to ask people for money when you are clutching onto your walker, you know what I am saying? Anyway, what I am saying is that John and Sarah were really gracious in the end and that is all that matters. Right? John has got some work to do in the Senate creating bills that I will probably veto, but at least the man still tries. I think we should bond together and support John and his cohorts so we can forge a new, bipartisan Senate that might try to get things done. How about it folks, can we cut John some slack?

“Yes We Can.”

Finally, my friends, I would just like to welcome everybody to my administration. To celebrate, Michelle and I will be holding a pot-luck dinner in the West Wing on Inauguration Night and we hope that everyone can attend. The girls will be there too so don’t forget to bring something sweet. I am partial to Chinese food (I am brushing up on my cultural exchanges, mmmm, moo-shoo pork) so make sure you come prepared. Just know that, even if you find the best pork lo-mein in the world, I cannot reward anybody with government positions for such donations. (*Wink Wink Nudge Nudge*) Really.

So, my friends, my colleagues, my fellow Americans, are we ready to have a great time and return America to the forefront of global politics, economics and morality? Can you join me on this new and exciting journey into an uncertain future? Tell me, can you?

“YES … WE … CAN.”

Dan Rowinski